| Thursday, August 30th, 2007 |
| 10:04 pm |
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| Tuesday, January 23rd, 2007 |
| 9:34 am |
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| Sunday, September 18th, 2005 |
| 11:14 pm |
everything and anything
right now I am confused, frustrated, upset, scared, anxious, and worried. Overall though I am good. I dont know...I just have a lot of things I am doing, things being thrown at me, and trying to deal with relationships good and bad and some mia. First off...my grandpa hasn't been doing well. I realized...I dont know the guy. This makes me upset. I really only know him from about 14 years old and down. My interactions with him were very few. When He dies I feel I will not know him as well as I would've liked. Even though I am trying to learn about him and have interactions with him right now. family is so important and it makes me emotional when I think about the lack of interaction I have had with my family. At least now I tell my mother and father I love them. Second...I am planning to have heart surgery on the 30th of this month. For those who were not aware I have what is called Supraventricular Tachycardia It talks about the heart beating at a pace of 140 to 250...well mine was clocked at 266 beats per minute (over 4 beats a second) once when I was playing hockey. So when I was growing up there were several times where I believed I was about to die. My heart would race and then last for several minutes then imeadiately stop to about 70 beats a minute making me really dizzy, blackout, and sometimes nearly fall over. So i had surgery when I was about 14 to try and correct it. Well they thought it would work but it didn't. So 10 years later we are planning to give it another go. Thing is this time I am extremely nervous. When I was young i didn't understand much about life or really care. I didn't it because I was told I would not have problems...and never really thought about death. Well now I do. Third...I don't know what is up with some of my friends. Some dont treat me much like a friend. Some dont call back. Some are disrespectful. Some do drugs. Some are extremely selfish. Some say they are one thing when they are definitely something else. Some know what they need to change...and they dont. I don't know if I want to deal with it anymore. I want to become a hermit only answering the calls from the people I know I can trust. That would be about 5 or 6 people. Including immeadiate family. It sounds like a lovely plan actually. Except it is fucking unrealistic and that is what pisses me off. I have to deal with all your guys shit...rather i choose to. I choose to feel like shit when I realize I hang out with people that frustrate me that let me down that upset me that dont respect me and that lie to me. It take a toll on me and I would really sometimes just rather move on. However lets go back um well like 2 years ago...and talk about my self for a bit. well lets just say I fit into every category that I am angry about. People didn't give up on me. Well actually a few did. But I made it because I had support. It is just I have a hard time being too nice. I alwayshelp and I can't be assertive for my own needs. So when people call me asking for help I get angry but say yes. I don't let them know how I feel...I want to help. I really do. It is hard though. I don't like it when people don't live up to their potential and then think it is not a big deal...especially after asking for help. I can't fucking cure you. I can't even get myself straight most of the time. I can help...and I want to help...I just need to make sure I don't go crazy. fouth...i just want to move things along with this girl...and I really seeing that I am extremely impatient with people. I feel like I can get obssesed way too quickly. I need to move slowly. last time i moved fast...I got phyiscal with a girl who didn't even know there was a such thing as a relationship. I sitll feel like crap about that...i wish I was still making out and feeling what I felt at the moment...and that is what makes it hard. I dont like the feeling of caring about someone that I shouldn't really care about...i made the right choice to leave I should be proud. I just want the companionship. I want to call someone up who isn't a friend and share this type of stuff...and get feedback. Feel cared for. Friends can only get you so far. I dont like very many people when It comes to relationships. It is hard for me to actually want to put effort into something. I am picky. I have qualifications that need to be met. however I have begun to realize that the qualifications are not that extensive. All it is really is they have to be loyal, trusting, honest, and able to communicate. Ok and I have to be attracted to them. obviously. Seriously...there are not that many females who fit these guidelines that I am attracted to. I don't know what has happened but everyone is messed up and just floating around in this sea of short term feelings, friends, realtionships, and fixes. this is a long number 4. Now i am rambling. truth is things are going really well for me. I was told when things start to get better you are given harder challenges. Well I reached that point. I have to make much more difficult decisions. I have responsibility. I am responsible. I am proud of myself and I have confidence. I dont know exactly who i pray to yet...but if you pray. Please pray that I will be ok during this surgery. I really hope it goes well. tomorrow starts another work week. another work week. Current Mood:  frustratedCurrent Music: pinback |
| Monday, September 12th, 2005 |
| 8:31 pm |
I haven't felt excited about someone in a while. This is good. Real Good. I haven't felt this frustrated about "others" in quite a while. My new job...is awesome. I feel confident. Some of the pitches they are doing for new shows could actually be a lot of fun. I am making my office ...well cubicle area...it shall be fun. Well off to workout... |
| Saturday, September 10th, 2005 |
| 11:47 am |
oh wow. Danko Jones last night was rad. He puts on a hilariously awesome show. Crotch rock to the extreme. |
| Friday, September 9th, 2005 |
| 7:10 pm |
I think I am impatient and while I am impatient I am constantly confused about the female gender. I just want to know. Apparently I just cant always know. That is why I am Impatient...cause I like to know. Yes or No. Yes or No. Either answer makes it easier. |
| Tuesday, August 30th, 2005 |
| 1:08 am |
weird day
today at 10am I witnessed a man take his own life by getting out of his car and immediately jumping off the aurora bridge. I would like to day it didn't hit me hard but that shit is messed up. i didn't know the guy but man. I don't know it just sucks. This world we live in sucks many times and we have to hang on to the people who are good and get rid of the ones that don't help us get places. |
| Sunday, August 7th, 2005 |
| 10:06 pm |
today was kinda interesting... I am feeling less and less involved with the four colour process and I am feeling really good about it. tomorrow I am going into the studio to be an assistant in recording the gossip. They are going to record a cover and also write a song in the studio...that should be fun. Plus we get to mix it there. I thought about some things that made me tear up today. It was actually really interesting. It was basically the thought of my sister coming to an understanding that she is disabled. I was at a baseball game with her this summer and she was dancing and having a good time and I saw these children a few rows up laughing at her and making some rude faces. I don't think she saw it. I wanted to kick the shit out of those kids. Jenna doesn't care what others think. I just hope it stays that way as she gets older...I don't know....maybe she understands she is slower than other people her age already...for some reason though this made me get really emotional. In many ways I wish I could be more like her. I am still kinda sorta working. I am coming near the end of my work for today. Well when I say that I mean I still have a few hours left. I haven't been working non stop. I am being very honest with my hours. I am so excited to go back to chicago and wisconsin in like 8 days. I haven't seen some of my cousins in like 5 years. Only in pictures. I love being around my family. I also just heard that my dad might be looking at a job opportunity in Seattle. He was sought out by a headhunter. Crazy. I would be pretty excited if that happened. corporate america...is interesting. I got coffee at uptown...even though I stood in front of top pot for like 30 minutes talking to amy...but at uptown I talked for quite a while with a barista there...i shall be going back soon to continue conversing. well I think my render is done. Current Music: the jayhawks |
| Saturday, August 6th, 2005 |
| 2:15 am |
then and now
I just got to work...at 2am. I got my rockstar cola my sunflower seeds and new cds superdrag - head trip in every key (yes...this cd is the rock) sunny day real estate - diary (finally) south - with the tides (check them out they are pretty good) the difference tonight is that I am getting paid hour by hour...I calculated how much I am making...and I might just become a workaholic. I am moving around starbucks graphics. I heard some kinda shitty news the other about someone fairly close to me. I haven't done anything regarding it...but I will have to. this person will become lower on the friend totem pole at this point. Friends mean something to me and I thought I would've to this person as well. Well...I guess I should start working. Current Mood: awakeCurrent Music: superdrag - do the vampire |
| Sunday, July 31st, 2005 |
| 2:28 am |
well i think I have ideas for new songs. I should probably write it down. |
| Sunday, July 24th, 2005 |
| 11:02 pm |
heaven.
I think two of my favorite things have combined. Itunes and Slurpees. It is rad. Buy a slurpee and get a free song on itunes. After enjoying my delicious slurpee I get to enjoy the delicious song I just downloaded by blonde redhead. Loved Despite of Great Faults. Such a rad song. I just had the craziest jam session with a homeless black man from miami. He hit the buzzer and I let him up and we rocked. So strange. So rad. |
| Friday, July 22nd, 2005 |
| 5:16 am |
THE MAKEUP
Beat detective and I have made up and we are now friends once again. Its been a long rough night but I accomplished what needed to be done. Now for some sleep and getting up earlier than I really want to. Then work then more recording. I think the people across the street at the strip club are wondering what I am doing listening to loud music and walking around like I am every now and then. give me sympathy...that is all I want right now. |
| 3:55 am |
naps create late nights
i hate beat detective. Although I love beat detective. I think I was more excited about this amp energy drink tall boy than I should have been. I believe I just may now require that taste of taurine in my energy drink. I must get this edit done by the morning. I am excited to go see crystal skulls tomorrow. I have been rocking that sheeyat all night. Along with the cardigans, coldplay, lyrics born, and as always pinback. |
| Thursday, July 21st, 2005 |
| 1:12 am |
two things... first does anyone want a pair of chanel sunglasses I believe they are model number 5067. I found them tonight and I definitely am not going to be wearing them next thing... so when you see an attractive female walking down the street...and you want to let them know this...and possibly see what is going on...how do you do it appropriately...I swore a girl was looking at me...and she was quite lovely...and I was looking at her....but I am not good at completely random things such as just walking past someone...it seems a bit invasive...so this question is probably more for the ladies..that read my nonsense. I probably scared most away by now. word... I think I got a new job... Current Mood:  thankfulCurrent Music: lyrics born |
| Sunday, July 17th, 2005 |
| 11:28 pm |
i went on the coolest biking adventure ever last night. We left at 10 went to fremont to watch school of rock at the outdoor cinema. I love the outdoor cinema. That movie also rules. I laughed way too hard. Then Lydia and I biked it up to capitol hill to see what trouble we could find. We ran into james, ben, and another guy at our first stop at QFC to get juice. Then we headed over to stacy's place. This place was actually quite gross. It was pretty much one of those houses where people just live there who don't pay rent...and there are condyjars filled with condoms. With various flavors...yeah that was really needed. Then we went to some gathering of people...some might call it a party. Well we had to pull some mcgyver ass shit out and fix Lydias bike so we could make it back to wallingford. I proceeded to take various kitchen objects to try and fit a hole in which an allen wrench would usually go. Finally there was a quite attractive looking femal who biked up to the complex and so we asked for her help. She was quite helpful indeed as she found a screwdriver that fit perfectly. After slamming a rockstar we were off. We rode all the back to wallingford. Up and down all the big hills...then found ourselves at home right around 4am. I love seattle in the summer. That was such a fun ride. I am getting tan. I am editing music late tonight...because I took a huge nap. Current Music: the four colour process - basics |
| Friday, July 15th, 2005 |
| 12:48 pm |
80s
Well I went gay dancing last night. I am the worst dancer ever. I am sooo sore today. Every muscle in my body. |
| Wednesday, June 29th, 2005 |
| 11:21 am |
About 9 months ago I made a decision to dicontinue burning, downloading, and copying music that was illegal. In those 9 months I have purchased nearly 60 cds. I love going to sonic boom, easy street, cellophane square...and especially those with used cds. Nothing is better than owning the cd. I have a huge stack of cds at home which I can listen to...read the lyrics... This sounds like a RIAA service announcement... but seriously...you can find good music out there for cheap and you can budget money to buy good music. Currently I am rocking crystal skulls, coldplay x&y, and the new teenage fanclub. Loving it. Go buy music and enjoy. Current Mood: contentCurrent Music: coldplay |
| Sunday, June 19th, 2005 |
| 1:47 am |
june 17 2005
one of the best days of my life. congrats jordan and liz. |
| Thursday, June 16th, 2005 |
| 12:48 pm |
tomorrow
So tomorrow is the day that has been in my plans for about the last 6 months. It is crazy that it is actually happening...Really whether I am ready or not. I have been working on a slideshow. I am unsure how it will come out thus far. I think this wedding symbolizes many things. I have things to say...but I am still thinking about them. I am happy for Jordan and Liz. I really do hope that this is just a springboard for their lifelong commitment to each other. I only hope to experience the same love that they experience together. I am glad I get to go through this process before I get married. I might have to hire liz to be my wedding planner...she is taking care of business for sure. Our bachelor party was pretty awesome. Rafting down the skykomish and camping in Index. I can't wait to go out there again. People got drunk...and I laughed at them...that's usually how it goes now. I can't wait to have all of our friends out tomorrow. It should be a celebration. Congrats to jordan and Liz. Shit if I started a relationship like theirs I wouldn't be married until I was 30. As long as your happy and loved I guess it doesn't matter. I love that my family is here and I get to spend time with every single one of them. We at at bucca di beppo and got extremely full and now I am eating leftovers. I got my hair trimmed. I saw pinback. Which was great fun. I finished this quarter. There has been some weight lifted and some more added. But this new weight is definitely better. i hope everyone is doing well. |
| Thursday, June 2nd, 2005 |
| 12:46 am |
too many things coming in two weeks... I went out sunday night and it was fun. got some digits. did some karaoke. I don't get out much. I think it has been good for me...but I know staying couped up wont last long either. I will get insane. School is coming to an end. my friends brother died in iraq. my brother is getting married. my family will be here. recording friday and saturday. got hired to write music for a company. burned the roof of my mouth. ate 4 star thai tom. fixed a 10 speed with 20 bucks and a hacksaw. |
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